My Anxiety is weird

I used to think I was just hardworking. Or at least I used to. But it’s not the calm, confident kind of hardworking you would imagine.

Heck, I am writing this at fucking 5 AM and I haven’t slept a wink, cause I am stressing out with the amount of work I need to do.

My brain is weird. It’s twitchy. It’s filled with timers I didn’t set and deadlines no one gave me.

There are days I finish a task, a task which is not at all necessary for the time being, just so I can stop feeling guilty about it. Welp, the so many rewriting the UIs for my website are just some of those. I keep changing the way my website looks almost every month, just because I want to feel like I achieved something for that day and I don’t spend my time wasting on Netflix.

Sometimes I open my to-do list, look at the first task, feel overwhelmed, and then… sort my files instead.

Or decide today is the day I’ll move everything from Notion to Markdown like that’s gonna fix my life.

And the stupid part? It works.
For five minutes.
I feel accomplished. I feel in control. I feel like I’m “moving forward.”

Then the guilt resets.
Timer restarts.
A new tab opens.
And we go again.

Fuck, in the last couple of years, I’ve debugged so many weird ass codebases at fucking 3 AM cause I can’t stop.

I still don’t know how to just sit and let myself be without thinking I’m wasting potential.